The Rear-View Mirror

I just dropped my son off for his second day of preschool, in the second week of the New Year. I start to back out of the parking spot, and his car seat catches my eye. Of course, it’s usually in my sight when I glance up in the mirror. But this morning is different. I thought to myself, “How did I get here?”

I’m immersed in a world of diapers, monster trucks, yogurt squeeze packs, and car seats in my rear view mirror. I am “Mommy,” who prepares umpteen snacks, schedules pediatrician appointments, and sifts through worries of milestones, sleep schedules, and healthy food options.

This is a whole other world I have been thrown into and trying to thrive in, and it just hit me today that I don’t know how arrived in this part of my life. It was not necessarily by choice, but I’m here all the same.

If someone asked me five years ago if this is where and who I thought I’d be the year I turn 30, I probably would’ve laughed. Was marriage and children on my radar? Yes… what woman in her twenties hasn’t at least thought about it or decided that she or may not want those things one day. But, that’s not what I’m referring to.

I’m talking about becoming a woman I sometimes don’t recognize in the mirror. Not because I’ve changed that much physically (despite a few added wrinkles and dark circles that motherhood has blessed me with). But because, I’ve morphed into a woman who doesn’t think the same, doesn’t feel the same, doesn’t love the same as the young, audacious, bright-eyed girl that floated through life five to ten years ago.

In the last five years I hit several obstacles that forever changed my circumstances, hence changing my heart. I worked my way through my first year of marriage. I gave birth to a little boy who wrecked my world in the best of ways. I bought a home that came with a mountain of responsibilities, and I’ve dug my heels into a job that challenges me to my core.

I’ve come to realize that those things were not a mere component of destiny or the stars aligning just the right way. The last five years have been God’s intervention to make me the woman I am right now, in this current phase of life.

So, who is she? This mysterious woman who sometimes stares back at me as my reflection? She’s a girl who lost herself in order to find God. I’m a woman who released her tight grip on a list of plans that would’ve led me down a far different path. I’m a woman who suffered long and hard from the guilt that held me in shackles. I’m a woman who fights everyday to see herself the way God created her, changes her, and loves her.

I’m a woman who sees God’s love first in the face of her little boy and second in the mercy of her husband. I’m a woman who has to be okay with frequently spilled cheerios and sometimes a sick baby who glues himself to her hip. I’m a woman who has learned to forgive herself when she falls short of being the wife and mom God wants her to be.

I’m a woman who now longs for time alone so she can abandon herself and soak up Christ… because a life with Him means more than any career goal and insult or compliment that the world can give. I’m a woman who loves hard but has to rely on God’s guidance for how to show it.

So, today when I looked in the mirror and wondered how I arrived at this place… I closed my eyes and the word, “Grace” flashed across my mind.

God’s loving, merciful, undeserved grace. This place, this chaotic, humbling, educating, redemptive place of marriage, motherhood, and life is all because of His grace. And, I’m this woman who I actually love, but relinquish before Christ because God took control. He made things happen whether I knew I wanted them or not. And I’m better for it.

Am I perfect? No, but that’s the beauty of this grace-filled destination. I’m happy to be imperfect. Because it showcases God love even more. He adores the “unworthy” and promises them unconditional love and joy simply by learning to let go of ourselves and soaking up all that He is.

So here’s to 2017… the year I turn 30 and welcome any intervention God throws my way. Here’s to change, to steadfast love, and a place of grace.