We have a sick little one. Hand-foot-mouth. I’ve decided this virus is also a form of torture (possibly one Satan uses in Hell)… not just for Griffin, but for this Mama’s heart as well. Little tiny blisters on the soles of the feet, mouth, hands, and diaper area. It makes me cringe every time I rub his feet or wipe his sweet face. As a parent, I don’t think there is anything worse than seeing your child suffer.
I never knew emotional pain like this until becoming a parent. I am a nurse who deals with cancer in children. So, yes, I am unfortunately accustomed to seeing suffering in kiddos. I’ve witnessed children in their sickest moments. But it never came full circle until I became a parent; a little person who is apart of you is tired, hurting, and does not fully understand why.
I’ve always had compassion for our patients and families. But having Griffin put a new spin on what the parents feel alongside the child. We are not battling cancer, but watching my sweet nugget feel restless, frustrated, and hurting makes me feel completely helpless. Aren’t we supposed to be able to protect our children? Heal them? Kiss their boo-boos away?? The sad truth every parent faces (at some point) is we cannot and will not always keep them from harm. The realization itself is enough to break your heart.
I prayed over Griffin as I rocked him to sleep today: “God, helpless is not something I should feel. I want to do something to at least make it better, or take it away all together. Please show me what to do.”
No, He cannot give me a cure all for Hand-Foot-Mouth… or for future broken hearts, disappointments, or lessons learned. But what He did give me was peace. Peace in knowing I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to do as a parent. Im praying for God’s intervention in my child’s life. I’m praying for strength to get me through this time of suffering. I’m asking for His direction on how to comfort, love, and act on behalf of my child.
Will I be able to prevent my son from ever facing hurt again? No. But, Jesus can wrap His arms around Griffin and comfort him with the truth He will never leave nor forsake Him. He will never shield Griffin from His love and affection. God is our Father, after all. He loves Griffin even more than I do. He would never purposely cause him pain. But, He’s there to get Griffin-all of us-through hardships.
I was lost in thought today about God’s comfort in times of distress for parents. Mary. Oh sweet Mary. I don’t know how she did it. I feel this bad over hand-foot-mouth. How did she combat her helplessness and sadness as she watched her only son die on the cross? How her heart must have broken into a million pieces knowing there was NOTHING she could do to stop the torture, the hurt, the greatest loss she [and the world] has ever known? Jesus reassured her the cross was His calling, but it could never change the hurt she felt.
We have to know, and I’m sure Mary did deep down, God longs to fill our hearts with hope when we feel worthless and unable to help others, especially our children. He wants to consume our deepest places with joy. So, when the time comes to battle those feelings of helplessness, we can look to Him for comfort, tranquility, and fortitude. He wants to replace our feelings of helplessness with HOPE in Him, in His love, and HIS ability to heal and improve.
As much as I wish I could take away every hurt, frustration, or disappointment my children will face, I have to acknowledge its not my job–it’s God’s. He longs to be the source of redemption and compassion for our children just as much as we do, if not more.
Griffin is on loan to me from the Lord. And with that comes the responsibility to offer what healing and comfort I can, but to point Him to Jesus for the rest. If we can do that as parents, we will bless our children far more than we could on our own. I feel loss in not being able to fix all things for my sweet boy… but also gratefulness knowing I can hand the Father what I cannot help.
Now, if I can just let Him mend my own heart…
house of stain 