If We’re Honest

As ready as I am for Fall: football, leggings, everything pumpkin, and amazing weather… We are trying our best to soak up the last of summer. My morning with Griffin (my two year-old) was spent finger painting outside, bubbles, and sidewalk chalk. It was glorious! However, Like most toddlers, we usually have some sort of “lesson learned,” even on really great days.

A while back, I painted clay pots for planters. Two of those house our outside craft supplies: chalk, bubbles, etc. My sweet two year old could not contain his adventurous side and tossed my clay pot on the drive way, leaving it cracked and broken. I walked over, knelt down and asked if he threw the pot (knowing he did.) We are working on addressing our actions and why they are wrong. He tossed his hand over his eyes and hid his face, knowing the truth would result in us going inside. I previously warned him of this consequence after saying twice, the pot was “bwake-able” and to leave it on the ground as his tiny fingers grasped to pick it up.

It was difficult to keep my composure. But that moment I prayed for grace and felt God’s reminder: “Candace, how many times have you hidden from the truth???”

We all have a truth that we run from, and a lie we pour ourselves into. That truth comes in many forms: regret, doubt, shame, indifference, success; maybe a combination of the like. For me it’s fear.

I’ve spent my life trying to convince others that I have it all together, that I’m confident, and have this enormous inner strength. I do have strength but it’s None other than The Lord’s. The other two are things I sorely lack.

How is fear a “truth,” you ask? Okay, you didn’t ask. I’m going to tell you, anyways. I have deep rooted fear: of letting others down, not being enough, being too much. I have fear I’m misled when I think God is calling me to something “bigger.” I have a fear of not living up to the standards and expectations society lays on me and (more importantly) the ones I lay on myself: as a wife, a parent, employee, and/or Christian. “I have a fear of failure.” That, my friends, is my ugly truth. The lie rests in my trying so hard to convince people otherwise.

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to display confidence, self-worth, peace, drive, organization. I never want to show weakness and definitely don’t want to admit my feelings of doubt and inadequacy. Especially where parenting, my marriage, and career are concerned. But, the fact is I have many short comings. I don’t know what I’m doing as a mom half of the time. I definitely don’t always give my husband the best version of myself. And I am probably the least organized person on the planet who made several career goals I haven’t even began to achieve. Admitting these things is TOUGH for me.

Ive always wanted to be a “Never let them see you sweat” kind of person… A “Big girls don’t cry” woman, through and through. But reality is this… I’m a crier. Like a big blubbering one: when I’m mad, sad, happy, stressed, and/or frustrated. And boy do I sweat the small things… Like figuratively sweat so much I’ll walking through a puddle everywhere I go.

The big question is… Why do we try so hard to hide our own ugly truths that invade our hearts and minds??? Because we are fearful of being judged? Because we don’t want to be seen as weak? Because we are scared if people know the “negative” things about us, then we’ll be loved less? We all fear the consequences that may or may not follow our choices, desires, and short comings.

None of the latter hold truth. God calls us to lay our burdens down, to be honest about our struggles, and humble ourselves before Him. Imagine if we all were a little more up front about who we really are; in return God blesses us with friends who might endure the same things or provide opportunity to serve others from our “failures.” What if we all could be a little more brave and stop hiding so much of our hearts: to those around us and especially to God?

He knows our every fiber anyway. He created us with every success, failure, brokenness, positive attribute, and self-proclaimed negative ones. I’m not saying to forget about or flaunt the things we could work on. I just think we should all stop trying so freaking hard to be the “perfect” version of ourselves, only to lose it behind closed doors because we know we’ll never be the hologram we try so hard to portray.

Yes, sometimes it’s easier to hide than face the truth. But growing and moving forward is dependent on facing our brokenness with the only source of glue we have: our relationship with God. We might find that Gods grace for our humbled hearts is a lot more healing and cohesive to His plan for joy than our constant battle to duck and run from our struggles.

My prayer for the week, is to face the things that are hard to see and hear… HEAD ON and with absolute honesty. I have hope in God’s mercy and affirmation that He loves me through and for every struggle and “lesson learned.”

Im leaving you with Francesca Battistelli’s “If We’re Honest.”