The middle finger and a whole lot of Jesus

We have started this journey called “Terrible Two’s.” I’ll admit, it’s not that terrible… Yet! But this is a whole other ballgame that I was not prepared for, but I’m learning to navigate with lots of Spark, a little bit of wine, and a heck of a lot of Jesus.

To give you a tiny rundown of the last couple of weeks: I’ve resulted to a few spankings (which I never planned on even having in my parenting repertoire). I’ve been hit in the head with a Hot Wheels car on more than one occasion. I’ve walked with my head held high through Kroger with a tiny human screaming in my ear, picked up a limp but not silent little boy for nap time, and I’ve locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes at least once a week. I’m pretty sure if Griffin knew how to use his middle finger, he would’ve diligently done so several times in the last month.

Before I make my child sound like Wylie Coyote, I need to clarify that he is just as sweet, loving, and playful as ever. But two year olds have a new found independence and constantly push to see just how far they can get. As a parent, and a pediatric nurse, I thought I had my bearings on how to be authoritative, yet gentle, nurturing yet firm. Newsflash… Everything I knew about parenting a 2 year old, I threw out the window a month ago.

There are days I’m consumed with exhaustion, I’m weary, I’m tearful, and overwhelmed. I’m constantly battling guilt and doubt. I never knew I could love someone with such intensity and adoration, but want to beat them at the same time. Obviously I do not beat my child. But, if you’re a parent and say you don’t struggle with patience and borderline ending up on “Snapped,” you’re a liar!

I really thought there was something wrong with me when “Terrible Two’s” first started. Why was he suddenly not listening to me? Why did my child, who obeyed everything, now look at me with angelic eyes and chunk an entire bowl of cereal across the kitchen floor?!? Why did/do I feel like “No, no” comes out of my mouth more than “Yes, sweet boy, yes.”

Our home feels like a roller coaster at times. We go from time outs to hugs and kisses; from meltdowns to wrestling playfully in the floor. He pushes my buttons but simultaneously pulls my heart strings with his infectious laugh, sneaky face, and “Wuv you’s!”

I, occasionally, watch his eyes look at me with the hidden message: “Why is she getting on to me, again?” I, like most mothers, fear my child will think of me as a “Mean Mom” as we tighten up on discipline and tough love. But it is my duty to raise a man of integrity, respect, and heart. It’s not easy for him to be disciplined, nor is it easy for me to exert authority [and often frustration] when I repeat the words “No sir” and “We don’t do that” on a regular basis. However, on THE judgment day, I have to look God in the eye and say I did the best I could to make my son a God-fearing, authentically grateful, respectful, kindhearted man. And if I can’t do that because I was more worried about being “liked” as a parent than fulfilling my promise from the day he was born… Then I’ve failed miserably.

God selects us to be our children’s guide, not their best buddy. My mom always said it best: “You are on loan to me from God. And I have to return you in better shape than I got you.” The woman also said “I brought you into this world and I can take you out!” Touché mama, touché!

I’ve shed many tears the last few weeks and hit my knees with a vengeance. I’ve been so mad I’ve cried… And laughed (if that’s even possible.) I’ve felt like a failure, but God is always right there when I need Him most. He’s in the moments when Griffin begs for his “Mama,” when he breathes into my neck as we rock, or laughs insanely when I tickle him. My days are filled with mercy and reassurance that God put me on this path and He will never leave me or Griffin as we grow together. But isn’t that what parenting is about?

My sweet Griffin needs grace, and so do I! I’m trying to take this new adventure with parenting in stride and react towards him how I know God reacts to me. Will I ever be perfect at this? No. This is just the beginning. But I’m thankful for constant humbling. I’m thankful that God trusted Sam and I enough to make us Griffin’s parents, his leaders for discipline, and educators of character. Griffin may not always like our decisions. He will eventually breathe an “I hate you” through his teeth for a time out or taking away his keys in later years. But he will know that we love him enough to make hard decisions that lead him to The Cross and lead him in a positive direction: as a child of God, but also as a man and future leader of his own home and family.

Im learning to seek joy in the midst of frustration. I’m learning to walk away when I get angry. I’m evolving in to more patience and less self-doubt as a parent. But I’m also holding tight to gratefulness: for a little boy who loves his mama, loves adventure, and is learning something new everyday.

To the parents of toddlers: We can do this! We can be loving, Christ-centered parents, AND raise children to have respect, love, and integrity. It is about to be a long ride… So I’m buckling my seatbelt, praying constantly,  beginning and ending each day with lots of cuddles and kisses, and asking for grace when spankings and Hot Wheels are involved.