I was like most little girls with lofty dreams… Grow up, find love, get married in something fancy, and live happily ever after with Mr. Right. In each phase of life I had this idea of what marriage should and would look like: you both willingly split chores, you peacefully address finances with team work, have a great sex life, happily prance in the kitchen when your babies are asleep; marriage is an escape from the stresses of the world.
And then I got married.
I realized quickly that marriage is not what every five or even twenty-something year old imagines. My ideas of a story book marriage met reality:
The truths of marriage, it’s complications and struggles, will certainly send you to your knees and force a lot of self evaluation, especially once kids are added to the mix. There are 5 truths I’ve come to know… But also appreciate for what it means for my actual marriage (not the Cinderella version).
Truth #1: You don’t always have the feels for your hubby or wife. Why? You’re tired as crap. It takes true effort to feel romantic and offer the best version of yourself. I always thought (before parenthood) your kids go to bed and you spend hours canoodling each other with sexy eyes and lots of energy. Just plainly… Shaking my head.
Ive been running around after a tazmanian devil all day or worked the night before. It’s an exhaustion that I never knew existed until 2 years ago. And he feels it, too. He’s worked one job and sometimes his second. We crawl into bed and sometimes remember to kiss each other goodnight. Sometimes we lay in silence until we hear the other breathing so slowly we assume they’ve beat us in the race to dreamland. There was no kitchen dancing or canoodling with gusto…
But sometimes there is.
Truth #2: There are weeks that we argue more than we get along. In my pre-pubescent dreams, marriage was magical with team work and like-mindedness. You agree on most things, if not all, and marriage means majestically growing to have the same opinions.
Again, I throw my head back with laughter.
Im stubborn as hell. My husband thinks he’s usually right. We argue about arguing. We go tit for tat over who did most of the chores or spent the most on groceries. We sometimes slam doors. We go hours without speaking. We give each other the worst “eat poo” looks you’ve ever seen. There are moments we have to restrain ourselves from throwing whatever is in reach. There are times we argue just to outdo each other.
But sometimes we don’t…
Truth #3: You don’t always have the most active sex life. I swore I wouldn’t be one of those wives… You know, the ones who choose sleep over intimacy; who neglect their husbands more than initiate. I swore my marriage would include sleepless nights (not related to babies) with surprise, excitement, and just to be frank… Getting it on. Oops! 😳😍
Something happened between sleep deprivation with a newborn, hormones, and a post baby body. I forgot those promises I made myself. Furthermore, I forgot how to initiate intimacy. I indeed chose sleep over pursuing my husband. And my marriage has suffered for it. I told myself that sex is not that big of a deal, because babies and sleep are of importance. I was shocked to see the difference in our sex life before marriage and after. We don’t always have the greatest stretches of intimacy.
But sometimes we do…
Truth #4: Finances make everything harder. I fully believe that money (whether you have lots, none, or somewhere in between) is one of the biggest hurdles in a marriage. Learning to budget with your partner is freaking hard. Justifying spending and saving between two people with different goals and different beliefs can be horrendous. It’s reality that we all want to do whatever we want with what we have. Sam might want a fishing pole and I might want my hair done but there’s enough for just one (this is hypothetical-let’s get real… I never get my hair done). Who gets to spend the extra??? Answer? Revert back to truth number 2. Yep, that’s right: cat fight.
Adulting is serious business. It’s hard for one person to figure it out on their own. Let alone two people doing it together for an entire family.
We don’t always budget well together.
But sometimes we do.
Truth #5: Marriage is a lifetime job that requires serious labor. There are no days off, no vacation, no retirement, and no raises despite your best laid efforts. Living, dreaming, planning, doing life with another person who is at least some percentage different than you is one of the hardest things in the world. Pre-wedding, you think it will make everything easier. After all, you have someone to share the load and figure things out with, right?
Wrong. Everything I thought I knew about the relationship between husband and wife went out of the window when I got married. Most of the time, nothing is easy.
But some things are.
You see, for every truth I stumbled upon in the last two years, I questioned God on what to do, where to go. How do we make this work? How do we finagle schedules, finances, children, love, opinions, dreams, sex, responsibilities, and Christ all in one big pot?
In short, yes there are lots of truths that shook me to the core and made question any idea of a fairy tale I envisioned long ago. But with each truth: prayer and Christ’s guidance awakened me to fully understand our marriage and why/how people actually stay together and choose this journey.
Marriage is a gift from God and our chance to worship Him in the most intimate and rewarding ways. I stopped focusing so much on “how to do” my marriage or how to change my husband, and more on Christ; how He can make me the wife my husband deserves.
My husband and our relationship is a blessing, not a curse. Yes, it takes effort to pursue him, pursue time together, and give/receive love. But Christ makes loving him feel easy and so worth it.
For every time we argue, lack affection or time, neglect our sex life, endure difficulty, or exhaust our budgeting attempts… There’s a “sometimes” that offers more joy and value than any negative part of our marriage. So contrary to truth…
We don’t always do the best job of keeping “the feels” for each other. But, I’ve found that the more I prayerfully ask for Gods help, the more often I want my sweet Sam’s arms around me. The more I pursue time with Christ, the more time I have with my husband who still makes me weak in the knees. The more I pray to love him, the more love I feel in return.
Sometimes we argue. But, mostly I just appreciate his passion, his dreams, and the intensity with which he loves our family. The good that he does far outweighs any silly argument. We are different people and won’t always think exactly alike. But Id rather fight and makeup with him than anyone else. Besides, each argument gives me another opportunity to lean on Christ and humbly let Him love me with grace and redemption. I’m grateful for the opportunity to grow with and for my husband.
Yes, our sex life is far different than it was years ago. But I’ve learned the importance of using sex as a physical form of worship between husband and wife. It may not be as frequent, but it honestly gets better and better. We may have to be intentional about our time together, but we pray for God to bless us and bless Him through our intimacy. Speaking of which, Sam what time are you coming home tonight? 😘
We do find difficulty in budgeting together from time to time. But what we have is a blessing. Together, we own our home, provide for our family, enjoy activities together, and save for our future when it will someday be just the two of us again. For that, my heart is forever grateful for every responsibility we must tend to.
And finally, yes this is hard. Yes this takes effort, labor, sacrifice, and faith. But God gave me Sam to share this life with. Every second of our lives is worth every truth I’ve had to face and learn from. He is my best friend, my biggest encourager, the truth when I don’t want to hear it, the shoulder I cry on, the hand that I high five, my prayer partner, the keeper of my heart, cherisher of my body (both pre and post-baby), the person I want to rock next to when I’m 90, and the love God intended me to have. I’m thankful for our real marriage… It’s far greater than any fairy tale I could’ve dreamed up on my own.
house of stain 