If there’s one word to describe my younger self, it would be “chameleon.” I could (not so easily) change myself to blend in or stand out for family, friends, and relationships. I spent a lot of time trying to be someone different for the sake of others and my proposed happiness.
I’ve had stellar parents and a sister who are motivated and driven. For a long time, I thought there was this invisible bar to jump to: academically, socially, culturally. That’s what parents do. They set expectations and norms in motion for their children until they are old enough to make their own goals and reach for them. I’m thankful for parents who instilled work ethic and heart into my being.
With that said, I tried very hard to be the child that they wanted and expected… Until puberty reared its ugly head and my heart battled what family encouraged. I realized in my teenage years that I could conform to live up to a standard expected by others; but I ran on the hamster wheel and eventually exhausted and fell off.
Despite trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted, I held onto the chameleon in me, as I inched my way into adulthood. I wanted to be a certain type of girl in college who gave caution to the wind and would become a nurse, or something steady, something expected. But I also was determined to have a dang good time getting there. I prided myself on keeping up with my guy friends where beer was concerned. I gave little thought to who God was patiently waiting for me to become. I spent a lot of time grasping at straws to be a version of the girl that everyone wanted, but I certainly couldn’t obtain.
Post collegiate years, I still found myself immersing my thoughts, likes, and activities for different boyfriends or groups of friends. In a two year stretch, I convinced myself I was a hunter, a sports analyst, a future coach’s wife, a wine connoisseur, and a traveling bohemian. I spent a lot of time memorizing football stats, baseball plays, wearing high heels to college football games (which is just a no for me), learning turkey calls, and pretending to learn guitar so I could be whoever it was that each boyfriend or group of friends expected/wanted me to be. In reality… They probably didn’t give two craps if I fit into a certain mold and probably questioned why I tried so hard.
I carried this into my first year with Sam. I knew I loved a man who was on the road, and was made for lyrics and harmonies. I tried so hard to be this woman who fit into his world of music. Legit, I asked for a guitar the first Christmas we started dating, because I was convinced that learning to play would shoe me in as his girlfriend. Please take note that I still don’t know how to play and I’m his wife. I see what you did there, God.
Reality… It’s his world of music. I’m meant to encourage and support him in his endeavors, but not force it to become my own. But (again) I was searching for who I was, what I wanted, and pushing away the desires of my heart in order to please others.
Carrying my chameleon attributes into motherhood is really where God had to shake me and say “Enough is enough.” Stepping into the unknown world of parenting, I claimed: “I WILL be a mom who does this and does not do that. I will not make mistakes. I’ll prove to everyone that I am the best mother in the world. [Insert huge eye roll and smirk at my naivity.] I will not be disorganized. We will be organic with schedules and breast feed only.” Who was I kidding??? I, once again, tried to force myself to be a certain type of person and for who? Griffin loves me for me no matter how many days I mess it up. I lost all focus of just being the mom GOD created me to be… Not the mom everyone would approve of or pat on the back for her valiant efforts.
My entire life Ive tried to be a version of myself that would convince others I’m exactly what they needed and wanted. It has taken me a lifetime to figure out that you’ll never be the perfect person. And you don’t have to try so damn hard for the people who really matter, who God places in your life. You can memorize every sports statistic, drink 10 beers to fit in (yes, yes I did), pretend you want to learn every musical instrument in the book, and even give yourself the highest bar to reach as a mother. But God created you to be authentically you. And He loves us so much that He sends interventions that bring us back to the truth… That striving to be someone other than who He created can set us back in the pursuit of self-identification and love. Sometimes those hard stops included heart break and feelings of loss and confusion. But God needed to get my attention. He wants us embrace ourselves for every flaw, difference, and attribute that doesn’t fit the mold.
I was exhausted from trying to make myself everything for somebody. The key is to make yourself somebody for the Maker of Everything. After years of being that chameleon and trying to be a stamped out version of myself to blend in or stand out… I realize that happiness comes from focusing on being devoted to God and His glory. He doesn’t call us to perfection. He doesn’t want us to change ourselves to receive His love or the love of others. He just wants us to devote our lives to having a relationship with Him: one that is graceful, merciful, steadfast, and unconditional. We may not always fit the mold or walk to a specific beat of those around us. Contrary to our feeble attempts to aim for perfection and acceptance of others, God wants us to accept ourselves for His creation and love of all our parts.
As I enter into what feels like the next chapter of my life, I’m done trying so freaking hard to be valued by everyone. Truthfully, not everyone will value all parts of you. But God will. And He will send an army of loved ones who accept you as well. So to my fellow chameleon… Stop changes colors. Don’t worry about joining the crowd or lavishly standing out. Your love and relationship with Christ will far succeed any box you try to stuff yourself into.
Im celebrating myself… All weird quirks and flaws and the parts that aren’t so bad after all. I’m sometimes messy, I take long showers. I havent paid attention to football statics and rankings in years. Im the worlds worst driver. I’m loud, over emotional, and sometimes underly affectionate. I dont have a musical bone in my body. My car stays a mess and I can’t hold my alcohol. I’m clumsy but I find laughter in my falls. I love to read and write. I love my family and am loved by a God who created me in His image. I’m redeemed, saved, and repurposed by the greatest friend and Lover of all… And I’m just thankful to be me!
house of stain 