I could feel them… Little eyes watching me as I examined the back of my legs, my midsection, my neck, and arms. I leaned into the mirror to analyze the dark circles and crows feet motherhood has given me. I could see him moving closer with an inquisitive look that said: “What is she doing?” I responded, knowing he hadn’t actually spoken words, “Mommy is just looking at everything bad.”
His next move was unexpected. He rubbed his belly just like he’d seen Mommy doing just moments before. He tried peeking over the bathroom counter, just as I had done. It dawned on me that he was imitating me.
I shrunk with the realization that my toddler just watched and imitated his mom disgrace herself in the mirror. In that moment, I was reminded… “He’s always watching you for what to do and say.” I am supposed to be the biggest whisper in his ear and the most prominent example for his life. And I just taught him how to shame himself in private, but before God. I was being a terrible example; inadvertently training him to think that the person God created “isn’t enough,” or something to be ashamed of. Do I find areas that I could improve on, both physically and mentally? Yes. And I hope he is humble enough to always know he is capable of setting goals and achieving them. But not once, should I ever demonstrate how to analyze and degrade one’s self.
There are lots of things I hope my son sees me do and imitates… Like mommy pushing his Little Tykes truck up the giant hill in our neighborhood and not quitting until we reach the top. I hope he watches me complete projects that I start, and give myself credit for a job well done. I hope he mimicks his dad’s love and talent for music. I hope he sees and replicates table manners, his ABCs, respect for others and authority, and a love for his family.
I long for him to mirror me spending time in prayer with my Creator, making good food choices, and loving on his dad daily. All of these could still use some work on my part. But, I still shouldn’t show him how to belittle himself despite facing opportunities for improvement.
He sees me dancing crazy in the kitchen and running with a wild spirit through the water hose… Thankfully he already imitates those habits…
I pray he follows suit with a free spirit but a sense of dependability. I pray I can reflect an enjoyment and appreciation for the life we have and the blessings God gives us.
Of all the things I want him to see and copy… Shaming myself is not one of them. My heart would break into a million pieces if I walked in, to find Griffin (or any future child of mine) drown himself in self loathing and have a heart discouraged by what he sees in the mirror. Because it’s not WHAT they see, but WHO they see that matters.
My prayer is that I teach my children to love who God made them to be, just as they are. I’ve struggled with self image for far too long, and it’s time to stop. Because little eyes are indeed watching… And little minds and hearts are waiting to duplicate.
house of stain 