Find your tribe

Well it’s basically been a week from Hades in the Koon House. I have lots to update on, but unfortunately not a lot of progress with projects.  We have been hit with the stomach bug. First, with our sweet Griff, then me, and now Sam. We also have had some bang ups prior to the wave of nausea and bathroom trips residing here. I have felt like a pretty crappy mom for the most part. Pun not intended. Let me just say, it is extremely hard to be the outgoing, energetic version of myself with Griff when I can barely hold my head up. Thankfully my sickness came after his had passed. However, my crummy mom traits extended beyond the sickness. I truly debated on sharing the events from last week for fear of judgment. But, that fear is exactly what ticked me off enough to want to share this.

Griff had a rough week, mostly with me. So, the guilt that comes with that is still lingering. Here’s a short list of what happened:

A.) Griff fell on a pine cone and scraped his arm and leg while I picked up the accumulation of sticks from our yard.

B.) Griff fell off of the oven door. Yes, you heard me right. He was nowhere near the oven when I was changing the kitchen trash bag and heard a bang! I turned to find him on his back and the oven door open over him.

C.) This was the kicker. Griff fell off of the steps of the playground equipment at the park. He has been frustrated with my helicopter mom tendencies, but has been doing well climbing up to the slide on his own.  So, I decided it was time to let go just a bit. I was RIGHT THERE as he started climbing and he fell in between the stairs and the hand rail onto the mulch. My heart broke!

These are just the major things. I can’t tell you how many times he tripped and fell, got a skinned knee, or bumped his head. It was just one of those weeks where anything that could happen, did. And I could do nothing but blame myself. “Was I watching him close enough?” “I shouldn’t have backed off on the playground!” “Where was I to shield him from the plethora of pine cones in our yard!” I turned to “trusty” google to soothe my bruised ego and heart. I was searching for validation from somewhere that accidents do happen. That I’m not a bad mom. That I wasn’t totally failing in the protection department. Did I get validation? Nope… It was WAY worse! All I saw on forums and articles was a bunch of mom bashing! “Who lets a toddler on playground equipment alone?” Me, because I was standing right there. “Who doesn’t watch a 2 year old in the kitchen?” Me, because I was changing the trash bag. “What a crappy mom to let her child get hurt!” Yep, me again. It was enough to make me feel like I will never be a good mom and have failed every step of the way. I cried for days! After feeding my soul with the hateful thoughts from women of Google, I again took the blame when he got sick. I rationalized that I hadn’t cleaned the grocery cart enough. Or I didn’t sanitize his hands after the park. My guilt was in overload and the feedback that I got was initially horrible. Blogs, articles, and forums on what not to do or things not to say to your kids. How you’re a bad parent if you give them sweets. The debate of breastfeeding vs formula fed. Everywhere I look there’s something to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong as a mom. I constantly feel like a total failure. I cried to God about my short comings. I cried to Sam, my mom, to Sam’s mom. I pulled out my bible finally stumbled upon the story of Ruth and Naomi. It’s infamous for the love and loyalty between women, between friends. Ruth followed her mother-in-law, Naomi after their husbands’ deaths instead of going home to her own family. Why? Because she loved Naomi and believed in her. They encouraged and uplifted each other and knew their relationship was a blessing. I’m sure they both made mistakes here and there. But the mistakes didn’t matter. They formed their own “tribe,” so to speak. I felt God’s nudging… Find your tribe, Candace.

After days of harboring guilt that could eat up Mt. Everest, I turned to a handful of other moms whom I love and respect (NOT on the Internet) and spilled my guts. I was embarrassed, but not too prideful to find better solutions on how to be a better mother. I didn’t find parent methods but here’s what I did find: I’m not a piece of crap mom. Accidents do happen. Yes, we make mistakes. But we learn from them and MOVE ON. And I’m not the only one tortured by the mom guilt. In those conversations, I found women willing to validate my feelings but also, take time to lift me up and encourage me. My poor husband tried for days. I appreciate his efforts greatly. But as a mom, sometimes you need to hear another mom tell you it’s okay, she’s been there before, and your motherly attributes are not defined by a bad week. These women made me laugh and let go of the lies I was feeding myself about the type of mother I am. So ladies, thank you for your encouragement and nonjudgmental stance. It meant the world! My heart will from now on be filled with truth from God and truth from “my tribe.” It’s hard to find a group of women who love you and can make you feel good about being a mom. But it’s possible! Pray for God to bring you those friends if you don’t have them yet. God will surely give them to you!

Finally, my prayer for the mom bashers of the world… Lock arms and lift other mama’s up. Don’t be so quick to judge on differences or what is the “correct” way to parent. Those differences are what make us unique and beautiful. We are simply here to raise the gifts God gave us and teach and protect them with His guidance. If a mom is hurting or looking for help, don’t kick her when she’s down. Be a Ruth in our world. Be a friend and be loyal to our community of mothers. Parenting is hard enough on your own. We need other women who believe in us and want the best for us! Make a point to embrace and love each other through opposing parenting methods and “mistakes.” And just know we are ALL doing the best we darn well can!