I woke up this morning with a few bobbles that should’ve had me under siege for the rest of the day. I harshly hit my toe on our built-in bookcases when playing in the family room with Griffin. I slammed my thumb in the silverware drawer of our dated kitchen cabinets. I hit my knee on the dark crown molding that borders all of our door frames. I could’ve thrown my hands in the air and said: “Forget it! I hate this house.” But I didn’t. I may have had to ask God’s forgiveness for muttering four letter words that shouldn’t be spoken in the presence of a 2 year old when hitting certain body parts. But I realized that nothing could deter me from how much I love our fixer upper home. The more accidents that happened, the more grateful I found myself for the beautiful crown molding that adorns our doors and ceilings. I was thankful to have awesome built-in bookshelves that hold Griffin’s plethora of books. And while those kitchen cabinets are dated… I’m in suspense over how amazing our kitchen will grow to be when they are painted. Not to mention we have a TON of cabinet space. Yes, there are things we are updating, but that’s the fun part for me! Nothing in the world could make me regret or lose sight of how much we love living here and how fortunate we are to have this “building” that holds so much love, growth, and life.
The same happened between me and Griffin. Today was another day where that familiar feeling and thought progression occurred: “I don’t think I could love you anymore than I do right now.” And I’m always proven wrong. I go to bed tonight with a euphoria over how much MORE I love my little boy today than I did yesterday, and the day before. I tried to pin point a certain moment from today that gave me that reminder. But, I realized its not just one moment. It’s everything that happens between us that makes up our evolving love. There are moments of struggle; even in a great day like today. There were trying times like when Griff sadly faced a time out in his crib for hitting me twice after my instructing him to stop. Or maybe the disregard for the fifth “No, no” in response to a stream of food landing in the kitchen floor! I could’ve chosen to stay frustrated. Let’s be real: toddlers are hard. They love hard, they fight hard, and they play hard. But my thoughts, at first filled with frustration, quickly melted when I realized: “My little boy is growing up and developing a mind of his own. He’s learning to obey and to ask for forgiveness.” We have long awaited to see his little personality come out. And we will continue to for each stage of his life. He is strong-willed, but gentle. He’s loving, and oh-so-adventurous. Does he push my buttons as any toddler can do when he is testing the boundaries of authority? Of course. But NOTHING he has done or ever will do can change my ever-growing love for him.
With those few bobbles, comes moments of pure, innocent love. I thought maybe the “defining moment” for today was when he clapped and cheered as we built a castle with his blocks. Then again, it could’ve been sitting next to Sam to see him intently watching Mickey Mouse on the pallet I made him after bath time. But even the feeling of his warm breath on my chest, snuggled into me so deeply as we rocked him to sleep could not make up the volume of love I feel right now. It was a sum of every “Mama,” every kiss, every stroke of his hand on my face to show me how we are supposed to touch people “Gently!” This overwhelming realization of how much my heart grows each day was made up of each spoonful of oatmeal slung in the floor, tear shed when we had to come inside, and every giggle with each tickle made to his little belly. It’s the good moments and the bad moments all rolled in one. Because, I know that whatever struggle we face in our journey as parent and child, there is a God-sent love…. An unwavering, ever growing, ever teaching, Christ-like love that nothing can separate.
How grateful should we be that God loves us the same but with an infinite intensity that our own love cannot touch!? Can you imagine how much He loves us? If it’s more than I love that little boy… I cannot fathom the strength. But He does. And He always will. No sin, no day of falling short of His glory can change or stop it. I think of all the things I’ve done this week that could cause Him frustration or sadness. Maybe it was saying something unkind about someone, being defensive towards my family, or telling myself lies about all of “bad attributes.” And He loves me so much anyway. Does God want to see my growth? Yes. Does He want me to depend on Him for guidance, instruction, and forgiveness? Absolutely… Just like I pray for those same things for Griffin. But those things only make Him love me more. I’ve said it plenty of times, but being a parent is the first glimpse I’ve had of just how much God truly loves me. And for that, I’m eternally grateful.
house of stain 